*based on the work of Marshall B. Rosenberg and the Center for Nonviolent Communication

“The process of non-violent communication consists of an intention to contribute to our own well-being and the well-being of others, compassionately”.

“Non-violent communication guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting” Marshall Rosenberg.

Peaceful communication teaches people to unlearn the static way of communicating with each other and judging in terms of good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, normal or abnormal.

Peaceful Communication is a different language which focuses our attention on human needs. Whether human needs are being fulfilled or not. In case our needs are not being met then we have to find ways we can behave which will nurture those needs. So, instead of judging right or wrong or to determine whether people should be punished or not, Peaceful Communication focuses on what is happening to our needs.

If our needs are not being fulfilled by what is happening, we can take action. Peaceful Communication suggests a radical departure from the language of retributive and judging language all of us have learned to use.

The 4 basic components of Peaceful communication:

Needs

What I need or value that causes my feelings?

Observations

What I observe that is fulfilling my needs and what not?
Observation suggests clarity about actions that are supporting needs being fulfilled or not.

Feelings

How I feel in relation to what I observe?
My feelings identify the results of what is happening to my needs.
When my needs are not being fulfilled I am feeling unpleasant feelings and when my needs are being fulfilled I am feeling pleasant feelings.

Requests

Concrete actions I would like to take in order to enrich my life without demanding.
When I see that my needs are not being fulfilled I need to request of myself or others what actions I would like taken to better meet my needs.

The above mentioned 4 components basically answer two basic questions:

What is alive in us?
In other words…How do I feel in this moment and what are the needs behind my feelings?

And

What would make life more wonderful?
What would I request to make my life more wonderful?

Universal Needs we value in our relationships.

Feelings are manifestations of what is happening to our needs.

For example, if I feel angry, I might think I am not being respected.

If I feel happy I might think I am getting respect.

Our feelings are not a result of what other people do or not do.

Sample list of Feelings when our needs/values are met or not being met

Afraid Amazed Anxious Appreciative Concerned Confused Delighted Despair Disappointed Distracted Sad Satisfied Lonely

Discouraged Eager Embarrassed Encouraged Enthusiastic Excited Furious Grief Happy Hopeful Hurt Relaxed

Joyful Lonely Nostalgic Overwhelmed Peaceful Thrilled Worried

Sample of list of needs/values/ qualities we value in our relationships

Acceptance Affection Autonomy Appreciation Authenticity Beauty Belonging Communication Cooperation Consistency Closeness Community Consideration Contribution Creativity

Empathy Equality Freedom Fun Growth Harmony Honesty Humor Inspiration Integrity Laughter Love Meaning

Nurturing Order Peace Protection Reassurance Respect Stability Safety Self-worth Security Self-respect Support Trust Warmth Understanding

Majority faces difficulty when making observations.

We usually tend to judge, criticize and analyse what other people say or do or we make speculations about what we think they think or do.

We tend to mix observation and evaluation in our daily communications.

Few examples of mix observation and evaluation are the following:

e.g.

• My father is too generous
• Mary is ugly
• George works too hard
• Old people are slow drivers
• You are washing your hair often.

UNHELPFUL THINKING STYLES

All of us when we are experiencing an unpleasant emotion, it’s usually a result of a variety of unhelpful thoughts. Usually there is pattern to such kind of thoughts that we call “Unhelpful thinking styles”.

Our response is usually automatic. Those unhelpful thinking styles can cause a significant level of negative emotions.
Below you can find a variety of “Unhelpful negative thinking styles”.

It is beneficial to identify whether and which styles you usually have.
If you start noticing them it will be helpful to challenge or take control of those thoughts and see the situation from a much more helpful perspective. All of us tend to get into unhelpful thinking styles such as those described below. You might recognize yourself more in some of them and there might be some that seem far too familiar.

Bipolar thinking/All or nothing at all/Black or White thinking

The tendency to interpret the situations and to evaluate ourselves and the people around us based on two extremes of one characteristic.

Everything is great or everything is bad. Perfect or full of flaws.

e.g.

• “If I am not perfect, I failed”
• “Either I will do it right or not at all”

Overgeneralizing

One single negative event, such as a difficulty at work, is being interpreted as an endless chain of many negative events, using phrases like “never” or “always” when one is thinking about that event.

e.g.

• “Nothing good ever happens”
• “Everything is always awful”
• “How unlucky I am that the birds always stain my car”

Mental Filter

I distinguish one single detail or I concentrate on it exclusively so as a result reality is being colored accordingly. Just like a glass of water is being colored by a drop of ink.

e.g. Noticing the failures and not seeing the successes.

Disqualifying the positive

The tendency to ignore or discount the positive experiences insisting that those do not count. One is trying to find excuses so as to devaluate every positive progress, attributing it to factors which are not connecting to oneself (own effort or own values) rather than to events outside of oneself such as luck or help by others.

e.g.

• “That doesn’t count”
• “Yes, I got an A in my exam but the questions were easy”.

Jumping to Conclusions

The tendency to jump to conclusions (mostly negative ones) without any indication which can prove that conclusion.

• Mind Reading: Without testing I assume in an arbitrary way that someone is responding negatively to me.
• Fortune Telling: I predict that things for me will be negative in the future and I feel that this prediction is a given fact.

e.g. Before an important meting

• “Damn it! The way I am doing it I will definitely fail!”

Magnification or Minimization

The tendency to exaggerate the significance of problems or to minimize the importance of my positive experiences.

e.g. I don’t have adequate time for completing a project until the deadline and I say

• “This will be a disaster”
• “I may be raising 3 children but as I’m not in employment, I haven’t achieved anything of significance”.

Emotional Reasoning

I accept and I believe that my feelings reflect the reality. I feel bad so it must be bad!

e.g.

• “I feel embarrassed, so I am stupid”
• “I feel angry, so he didn’t treat me well”

Shoulds and Musts

I am telling myself that things should have been happening the way I was expecting them or hoped them to be. Phrases such as “Should” “Ought” “That is the right thing to do” usually have negative effect on us. Whenever phrases like the above mentioned are addressing to me, they lead to feelings of guilt and disappointment. When such phrases are addressing to others, lead to feelings of anger and bitterness.

e.g. One pianist at a concert.

• “I shouldn’t have made so many mistakes”
• “He should care more about my feelings and needs”

Labelling

It is a type of overgeneralizing where a mistake or a weakness of mine or others leads me or them to “I/they have” to “I am/ they are”.
I am assigning labels negatively charged to myself or others.

e.g.

• ‘I am useless”
• “I am a bad mother”
• “They are so stupid”

Personalization- Blaming

The tendency to see myself as a cause of any negative external event. I am taking responsibility for the bad behavior of others, without realizing that everyone has their own responsibility for their behaviors.

e.g. One mother saw her children’s low grades in school

• “ That proves that I am a bad mother”
• “My husband wouldn’t hit me if I were a good wife”

Conversely, blaming others for something that was my fault.

Title: “Meet my needs?”

Objective: To practice identifying needs.

Material: A list of sentences

Instructions: Please check with a P the statement where the speaker is acknowledging responsibility for his/her feelings.

1. “I am angry when you are running late”
2. “I am sad that you are not coming to stay with me tonight because I was hoping we could spend the night together”.
3. “I feel anxious because you said you would do it and you didn’t”
4. “I am afraid when you raise your voice”
5. “You annoy me when you knock on my office door all the time”
6. “I feel disappointed when you say that, because I want understanding and I hear your words as indifference”
7. “I am concerned because we are about to miss the project deadline and I need you to confirm whether you can help ”
8. “I am happy you got the promotion”
9. “Hearing gossip about me hurts me”
10. “I am grateful that you shared your meal with me today because I was needing to eat something and I didn’t have time to cook yesterday”
11. I am confused about what you are requiring of me for the project. Today you are saying something different to what you were on Monday. I would like you to explain to me what I am meant to do so that I am clear
12. “You disappointed me that you didn’t come yesterday for dinner”.

Responses for Exercise “Meet my needs?”

1. If you checked that sentence, we are not in agreement. The speaker seems to consider the other person as the only responsible for his/her feelings. It isn’t clear what are the needs and thoughts that causes the speaker’s feelings. In order for the speaker to express his/her needs and thoughts effectively and be attuned with his/her feelings, the speaker could have said “I feel angry when you are running late because I was hoping we would be able to catch the early bus in order to get to work on time”
2. If you checked that sentence, we are in agreement. The speaker seems to acknowledge responsibility for his/her feelings.
3. If you checked that sentence, we are not in agreement. In order for the speaker to express his/her needs and thoughts effectively and be attuned with his/her feelings, the speaker could have said “When you said that you will do something and then you didn’t, I felt anxious because I want to be able to rely on your words”.
4. If you checked that sentence, we are not in agreement. In order for the speaker to express his/her needs and thoughts effectively and be attuned with his/her feelings, the speaker could have said “When you are raising your voice, I am afraid because I am thinking that someone might get hurt and I need to know that we all will be safe”
5. If you checked that sentence, we are not in agreement. In order for the speaker to express his/her needs and thoughts effectively and be attuned with his/her feelings, the speaker could have said “ I am angry when you are are knocking on my office door all the time, because I want silence in order to work effectively”
6. If you checked that sentence, we are in agreement. The speaker seems to acknowledge responsibility for his/her feelings.
7. If you checked that sentence, we are in agreement. The speaker seems to acknowledge responsibility for his/her feelings.
8. If you checked that sentence, we are not in agreement. In order for the speaker to express his/her needs and thoughts effectively and be attuned with his/her feelings, the speaker could have said “When you got the promotion, I felt happy because I was hoping you would be recognized for the work you were doing in this company”.
9. If you checked that sentence, we are not in agreement. In order for the speaker to express his/her needs and thoughts effectively and be attuned with his/her feelings, the speaker could have said “Sometimes when people gossip about me I feel hurt because I want to be accepted and trusted and not criticized”.
10. If you checked that sentence, we are in agreement. The speaker seems to acknowledge responsibility for his/her feelings.
11. If you checked that sentence, we are in agreement. The speaker seems to acknowledge responsibility for his/her feelings.
12. If you checked that sentence, we are not in agreement. In order for the speaker to express his/her needs and thoughts effectively and be attuned with his/her feelings, the speaker could have said “When you didn’t come yesterday for dinner, I felt disappointed because I wanted to see you and I need to trust you when you promise to do something”

Miriam is a teacher of 2nd Grade in an Elementary school. For a few weeks now she has been dealing with a problem regarding a student of hers. Miriam feels that the student seems to be showing signs of suffering from mental health issues. The student (Keith) is really aggressive, disobedient and ignores rules.

After trying herself to solve the problems Keith was creating during class, Miriam shared her concerns with the Principal and a meeting with Keith’s mother, who was a single mother, was to be arranged.

Miriam would like to share the responsibility with Keith’s mother and call her to arrange an appointment to talk with her. Miriam calls Keith’s mother and asks for an appointment in order to discuss the problems Keith is creating during class, she says yes but then never shows up. When Miriam calls her again to ask her whether she will come to the next appointment, Keith’s mother makes excuses or gets offended and angry.

The next time she wants to ask her to rearrange the appointment, Miriam expects that the same thing will happen. Two appointments have already been cancelled. Miriam feels frustrated and disappointed.

Underneath the surface of the story, there is another story of feelings, needs and interpretations. Miriam really annoyed by the “indifferent” behavior of the mother, she is trying to find herself another way to solve the problem.

She addressed to the School Counselor. She is discussing with her the situation and the counselor after having a really interesting discussion with her, gives her some notes of the non-violent communication seminar that was organized a few years ago in some other schools. So Miriam after taking into consideration the steps of Non-violent communication, understands that she has to identify and acknowledge her needs.

According to Non-violent Communication consideration needs to be taken in relation to the needs of each party that are alive in the moment and what are the feelings that are being stimulated by the interpretation and perception that those needs are or are not being met. So, Miriam had to establish the needs that were being met or unmet in relation to the situation with her student and his mother. Miriam started trying to stop analyzing, diagnosing and predicting and started focusing on how she was feeling and what she was needing.

She started to identify and articulate her observations, feelings and needs. She eventually realized that she feels frustration, anger and anxiety, worry and hopelessness about the situation and her relationship with Keith’s mother. She needed support and help in taking care of her student, she needed respect and to be heard in a satisfying way and she needed honesty and to trust the agreement of arranging that appointment and generally an effective communication with the mother of the student.

When realizing her needs, she got in touch with how worried and sad she was about that little student of hers. She also felt disappointed and guilt because she couldn’t succeed to arrange that important meeting with Keith’s mother. After determining her feelings, Miriam felt curiosity about Keith’s mother’s behavior. Why has she been saying yes to the meeting and then every time she cancelled?

From her new point of view, she was able to think and ask herself about Keith’s mother’s possible needs, without blame but with empathy and curiosity. She was asking herself “What needs might be seeking to meet when she was doing what she was doing?” Through this process, Miriam assumed that she might be behaving inconsistently due to her need for understanding and recognition, because of her difficult job as a single mother and need for acceptance. She may also have a need for safety and empathy regarding her challenging role. She may have felt like she was being accused of her son’s bad behavior or criticized as a mother.

Miriam thought that she might have felt scared and embarrassed. Consequently, Miriam reported to the School Counselor and the Principal of the school that she told Keith’s mother that even though she was requesting that appointment so persistently she wasn’t demanding from her but she was requesting mother’s attention. Miriam began considering whether she was requesting or demanding. She realized that maybe she was thinking that in order for her needs to be met, Keith’s mother should have to respond to her requests. Miriam felt that she was holding tightly to the outcome of Keith’s mother doing as she was asking her to do. Miriam understood that maybe there are more than one choice towards communicating her problem to Keith’s mother. She was then able to liberate herself from the feelings of anger and disappointment of personal failure as a teacher and she began to approach Keith’s mother from that new point of view. By gaining clarity about her needs and feelings and gaining understanding about the conflict with the mother of the student, she realized that she had more alternatives in approaching that mother and possibly adjust her own thinking and behavior in future interactions with her. Miriam tried out a new approach with Keith’s mother acknowledging her own needs and communicating those with her.

The change in the communication wasn’t of course neither easy nor quick but Miriam by trying to get her needs met and reaching out to Keith’s mother consistently, was eventually moved from distrust and disappointment to cooperation and understanding, which helped both of them to try to find a solution in consultation.

Reflection Questions

• Which unhelpful thinking styles can you notice in Miriam’s thinking?
• What are Miriam’s needs?
• Please bring into your mind a similar scenario to Miriam’s experience and reflect on it. Do you notice any common or similar aspects to Miriam’s thinking process?